MAYBE...MONDAY?

Oh yes. It's very much a Monday...thankies for readin', here's some shtuff....






I DID NOT...HAVE...SEXUAL...RELATIONS...WITH THAT WOMAN...
THE JONAS BROTHERS are serious about their reputations as virginal pop stars. (Except for Kevin, of course. He's married now, so he can DO IT ALL DAY LONG if he so chooses.)

JOE JONAS is threatening to sue a celebrity gossip blogger...Some Canadian dude named Zack Taylor...for insinuating that Joe is sexually active.

This guy posted a story claiming that Joe and his ex-girlfriend, DEMI LOVATO, are, quote, "friends with benefits"...and Joe wants him to pull it.

Joe's attorney says the story is, "completely false, offensive and defamatory"...and is a, "malicious attempt to attack and devalue Joe's good name and reputation."

The website says it, "stands by our sources and their claims."








WEDDING BELLS ARE RINGING...
HILARY DUFF and hockey player MIKE COMRIE...He plays for the Edmonton Oilers...got married Saturday in Santa Barbara, California.

Hilary's sister HAILEY...prolly best know to you as Summer from "Napoleon Dynamite"...was the maid of honor. They spent their wedding night at the San Ysidro Ranch.

Hilary and Mike started dating in 2007, when they met while SEPARATELY visiting a resort in Idaho. Mike proposed this past February by slipping a $1 million ring on her finger.








NEW GAGA..."AN ANTHEM"
The always modest LADY GAGA is already hyping her next album, which will be out sometime next year, as the ANTHEM of the next decade.

She tells "i-D" magazine, "The new album is my absolute greatest work I've ever done, and I'm so excited about it.

"The message, the melodies, the direction, the meaning, what it will mean to my fans and what it will mean to me in my own life...it's utter liberation.

"I'm on the quest to create the anthem for my generation for the next decade, so that's what I've done."

So now that she's set the expectations for her next album in the "pretty much impossible to achieve" neighborhood, how does she plan on maintaining "longevity" as an artist?

Here's her answer: "I will always have as much penis as I do vagina. And, no, I'm not going to explain that; it's part of the answer." (uh, what???)







NEW KATY P...
KATY PERRY claims her next album may have a MEAT theme...or at least, that's what she says when she's trying to drum up press for her new album. (Which hits stores next Tuesday.)

She tells Britain's "Q" magazine, "My new record 'Teenage Dream' is more about confectionary and candy and baked goods. There's less fruit imagery [than on my last album 'One of the Boys'.]

"For my next album, I'd like it to be about meat, and I want to be on the cover wearing a bacon bikini. Also I want my records to smell of sausage or pork. CDs are over, but not if they smell original."

For what it's worth...and admittedly, it isn't worth much at all...Katy's fiancé, comedian RUSSELL BRAND, is a vegetarian. If she actually DID do a meat album, I doubt it would affect their relationship, which should be non-existent by then anyway. Or so we hope.







WHAT'S POPULAR?
This is pretty interesting. "Bloomberg Businessweek" magazine just released its annual list of the most POPULAR items in America. Some are predictable...some are surprising...all of them are intriguing. Here are the highlights from the list...

MOST POPULAR AIRPORT: ATLANTA HARTSFIELD-JACKSON.
This is based on number of travelers, not how much the travelers ENJOY themselves there. Atlanta had 88 million passengers last year, the most of any airport in the world.

MOST POPULAR LIQUOR: SMIRNOFF VODKA.
Smirnoff is generally the cheapest vodka available...at least the cheapest one with a brand name you've heard of. But in taste tests, it usually holds up well against more expensive vodkas.

MOST POPULAR CAR COLOR: WHITE.
17.8% of the cars sold in North America last year were white.

MOST POPULAR BREAKFAST CEREAL: HONEY NUT CHEERIOS.
This feels like an upset, but apparently, Honey Nut Cheerios are HUGE with the LATINOS. And since they're the fastest growing demographic in the U.S., they're taking Honey Nut Cheerios to the top with them.

(And if that trend holds out across other industries, expect America's favorite car of 2015 to be a purple and orange El Camino.)

MOST POPULAR POTATO CHIP: LAY'S.
Regular old Lay's...not Baked Lay's, not Wavy Lay's...are still America's most popular chip. Wavy Lay's are actually the second-most popular. I prefer hometown SHEARER'S!

MOST POPULAR CIGARETTE: MARLBORO.
42.8% of all American cigarette sales are Marlboro brands. The cigarette market on the whole is shrinking, though: Smoking in America is down more than 31% since 1990. That's a good thing!

MOST POPULAR DEODORANT: SECRET.
The more surprising thing is that all of AXE'S terrible commercials seem to be working...it's now the second-most popular deodorant in the country.

MOST POPULAR DOG: LABRADOR.
German shepherds are second-most popular, Yorkshire terriers are third, golden retrievers are fourth, and beagles are fifth.

MOST POPULAR PRESCRIPTION DRUG: VICODIN.
Well...generic Vicodin. It went generic in 2009 and was dispensed more than 128 million times.

MOST POPULAR FISH: SHRIMP.
The FDA counts shrimp as a fish. The average American ate 4.1 pounds of it in 2008. Canned tuna came in second, but we only ate about half that much.

MOST POPULAR FLOWER: ROSE.
Americans bought 1.8 billion roses last year. Thanks to the economy, a much cheaper option...carnations...were the second-most popular.

MOST POPULAR GUM: ORBIT.
Sugarless gum owns about two-thirds of the gum/mint market, and Orbit is definitely the most popular. Trident came in second.

MOST POPULAR ITEM AT WAL-MART: BANANAS.
It's weird, but it's true: Wal-Mart sells more bananas than anything else in their stores. Surprising since certainly not all Wal-Mart's even HAVE bananas!

MOST POPULAR JOB: RETAIL SALESPEOPLE.
4.2 million Americans are employed as retail salespeople, making it the most popular paying job in the country. The median salary for a sales clerk is $20,260, by the way. The next most common jobs are cashiers, general office clerks, food preparers and servers, and nurses.

MOST POPULAR LIPSTICK: REVLON.
About one out of every three lipsticks purchased is made by Revlon.

MOST POPULAR PEANUT BUTTER: JIF.
Jif has been the most popular peanut butter since 1981.

MOST POPULAR SNEAKER: NIKE'S AIR FORCE 1.
In 2009, more than 11 million pairs of Air Force 1s sold in the U.S. for more than $1 BILLION total. Think NELLY had something to do with that?

MOST POPULAR SPORTS CAR: CHEVY CAMERO.
It beat out the Ford Mustang for the first time since 1986. And the most popular import sports car is...you'd never guess...the MINI Cooper.







NEED $$$? TRY THIS!
This sounds like a very quick, and very STUPID way to make $100,000. You might get shot, but if you don't, it's quick cash.

A British prank video website called Battlecam is offering $100,000 to the person who gets taped being naked in front of PRESIDENT OBAMA...with the word "Battlecam" written on their chest...screaming "Battlecam."

The guy who owns Battlecam is a British billionaire named Alki David...he says he created the site because he loves practical jokes.

Sure, you'll get tackled by the Secret Service, probably break bones and ribs...have your package splashed all over the Internet...and you might end up held indefinitely in a terrorist prison...but hey, $100,000!!!!







BACK TO SCHOOL TIME...
School is starting back up here in the next week or two. So here's a list of the top ten most UNHEALTHY foods that are still served in public school cafeterias...

#10.) CANNED PEACHES. One serving has 136 calories and 33 grams of sugar. That's an entire DAY'S worth of sugar for a kid, and it has almost none of the nutrients you get from a fresh peach.

#9.) TATER TOTS. A serving size of nine tots has 150 calories and 7 grams of fat.

#8.) CHOCOLATE MILK. Ahh yes, those pints of Reiter. One little carton has 158 calories and 25 grams of sugar. To put that in perspective, a SNICKERS bar has 29 grams of sugar. So starting this year, public schools in Washington D.C. will stop offering flavored milk.

#7.) MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY. Usually, the kind served in public schools aren't even real potatoes. They're made from dehydrated POTATO FLAKES. One serving has around 240 calories, and 9 grams of fat.

#6.) CORN DOGS. The low-grade meat in the hot dog is full of nitrates, and wrapping it in cornbread doesn't help. One corn dog has 240 calories and 34% of a child's recommended daily intake of sodium.

#5.) PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY. It depends on what types of peanut butter and jelly the school uses, but it's all basically sugar. So you can count on one sandwich having around 350 calories and 14 grams of fat.

#4.) MACARONI AND CHEESE. A serving of the over-processed kind from the cafeteria has about 350 calories, 18 grams of fat, 5 grams of sugar, and four times as much salt as an individual size bag of potato chips.

#3.) TUNA CASSEROLE. It's full of fish and vegetables, but it's still one of the fattiest foods on the menu. One serving has 450 calories and 20 grams of fat. I honestly can't remember my schools ever serving this. But maybe they did?

#2.) SLOPPY JOES. Kids love them, but one sandwich has 635 calories and 27 grams of fat. And over a third of it is SATURATED fat.

And the worst thing your kid can eat in the school cafeteria is...
#1.) NACHOS. One serving can have up to 1,000 calories and 60 grams of fat.







Have a great Monday!