SATURDAY SMASHER

Dude...it's been WAY too long since an update. Like, 10 days? Unacceptable, my apologies, and here's a mega-update for ya!


THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE WEEK: WHO *IS* REBECCA BLACK?
Well over 14 million people have subjected themselves to REBECCA BLACK'S timeless classic, "Friday", on YouTube...and finally, we're starting to crack the mystery of who this girl is, and what the hell she was doing.

But be forewarned: The new developments might make you feel bad for this girl, despite the fact that you curse her name every time "Friday" starts playing in your head on an endless loop.

First off, Rebecca is a 13-year-old eighth grader from California. She and her mother, Georgina Kelly, gave an extensive interview to TheDailyBeast.com. Here's what you need to know...

A company called Ark Music Factory was involved...and as expected, they're more to blame for the "Friday" phenomenon than Rebecca is.

Rebecca and her mother purchased a $2,000 package from Ark Music Factory so that Rebecca could get some experience in the music business. For that price, they gave her the song, produced a video and unleashed it on YouTube.

Rebecca says she was given the choice between two pre-written songs. Yes, you heard that right. Despite what you may have thought, "Friday" was written by an ADULT.

She says, "I didn't write it at all. The other song was about adult love...I haven't experienced that yet. 'Friday' is about hanging out with friends, having fun. I felt like it was my personality in that song."

That being said, Rebecca WAS aware that the lyrics were ABYSMAL. But ultimately, she just went ahead with it.

Rebecca's mom says, "A few times, when I heard some of the lyrics, I was like, 'That doesn't make sense. Rebecca said, 'I sang it as they wrote it, Mom.' So I didn't micromanage it."

So who did create this nonsense? That would be Ark Music boss Clarence Jey, who co-wrote and produced it. He also gave some comments in the interview, but he didn't explain his songwriting prowess. Instead, he gave Rebecca some props.

He said, "Funniest part of the whole thing is Rebecca Black is actually [an] amazing singer [with] a unique tone and a fantastic, fun person. The concept we feel seems to have crossed a lot of boundaries, for the better or worse."

If she had such an amazing voice, with "a unique tone," then why did you completely smother it with thick auto-tune? I'm just sayin'

The visceral hate for REBECCA BLACK'S breakout hit, "Friday", seems to increase with every YouTube hit, and Rebecca is well aware of that.

She says, "Those hurtful comments really shocked me. At times, it feels like I'm being cyber-bullied."

Rebecca says that Ark Music Factory DID ask her if she wanted them to take the video down, but she told them to keep it up. She explains, "I decided not to give the haters the satisfaction that they got me so bad I gave up."

And she's going to continue to pursue her music career. She's planning on recording an acoustic version of "Friday", which would NOT be auto-tuned. She says, "I want to show people there's more to me than they think."

I applaud that move, although it wouldn't hurt to abandon "Friday" and sing something else...anything else...even if it's a cover of another song. I think she has enough name-recognition now to step away from "Friday".

Not everything is bad, though. Rebecca says she has begun profiting from this insanity...and adds that she's going to donate some of the money to the relief efforts in Japan.












WELL THIS IS DISTURBING...
Sure, it's nice to find people when you're dating who have similar interests, beliefs, values, all that garbage. But there's a new dating site launching this month with a compatibility factor that trumps ALL of those.

The site is called FindYourFacemate.com, and it will hook you up with...someone who LOOKS LIKE YOU.

I suppose this is good for the heavily conceded? I sure as hell don't wanna stare at myself!

Studies in the past HAVE shown that we tend to be initially attracted to people who have somewhat similar facial features. So FindYourFacemate is trying to formalize that process.

The site will use facial recognition software to find someone who closely matches you in six different areas: Eyes, ears, nose, chin, the corners of your mouth, and the center of the mouth.

Once it finds your facial matches, THEN you can actually look at the person's profile and decide if you're interested in talking to them.

Right now there's nothing up on FindYourFacemate.com...it's just one of those pages with a bunch of random ads...but the founder says she's planning to launch sometime this month.







HOLD A GRUDGE?
This explains some things! I've known a few people over the years who have been experts at holding onto things. According to a study at the University of Minnesota, people who didn't feel a secure relationship with their mother when they were very young are more likely to HOLD GRUDGES than people who had a better bond with their mom.

The study found that people who had tight bonds with their mother are better at controlling their negative emotions, and being reasonable during an argument.








STOP AND STARE...AT YOURSELF...
So there's this girl I know...I won't out her with a name, and I doubt she's reading this...but you know how you can put different images as your wallpaper on the phone? Maybe you put your girlfriend/boyfriend, a pet, your kid, whatever. This girl put pics of HERSELF on her phone's background! The first time I saw it I was like "who the hell wants to look at themselves?!" She got all embarrassed and changed it but the next time I saw her...back to a pic of HERSELF!

Anyway, it's kind of similar to this. Do you have one of those friends who CONSTANTLY floods Facebook with photos? Like...you haven't talked to her since high school, but you've seen 8,000 pictures of every vacation she's taken in the past five years?

Yeah...she's got self-esteem issues.

According to a new study from the University of Buffalo, women who base their self-worth and self-esteem on their appearance share more photos online...and have more Facebook friends...than women who are more secure.

They didn't find the same connection with men.








IT'S ON!!! NE-YO vs. SNOOKI
NE-YO lost a fan earlier this week. And that fan was SNOOKI.

On Monday, Ne-Yo expressed his disdain over "Rolling Stone's" decision to put Snooki on the cover of their current issue.

He Tweeted, "Wow. Snooki is on the cover of 'Rolling Stone' magazine. Really? I quit. (Just kidding, but almost serious.)"

"No disrespect to Snooki, I don't know her, but damn 'Rolling Stone'? REALLY? REALLY! I guess...I feel a rant coming on, but at the sake of sounding like I'm complaining or even hating, Imma chill. I got y'all. New album on the way."

The next day, Snooki responded, "Ne-Yo's mad that I got the cover of 'Rolling Stone'? Hm, you lost a loyal fan. What a buzz-kill. #Sorry."

Ne-Yo wasn't exactly crushed to hear that. He said, "I think I'll be all right."

Ne-Yo wasn't alone. PINK also rolled her eyes at the cover...Tweeting, "Dear 'Rolling Stone', Really?"







LIL KIM KNOWS WHO KILLED BIGGIE...
LIL KIM is opening her mouth again, which means it's time for another edition of: SHUT THE EFF UP WHEN GROWN FOLKS IS TALKIN'!
In a radio interview in Orland, Lil Kim put forth a theory as to who was responsible for the murders of TUPAC SHAKUR and the NOTORIOUS B.I.G..

It was...THE GOVERNMENT. Yup. And why would the government do it? To keep them from RUNNING FOR MAYOR. (Well sure. That sounds perfectly reasonable.)

She said, quote, "I always felt like Biggie and Tupac's deaths was bigger than how they tried to make it believed to be...them two was very powerful guys.

"They both could have ran for mayor just like Arnold Schwarzenegger and probably won, and you know I think the government is looking at it like...

"We can not have these two hood dudes with this much power running for mayor or something like that and winning. Because they feel like they would have lost control I think. I just think it's way deeper than people believe it to be."

FWIW, Arnold isn't a mayor. He's a governor. But whatever.







KILL THY PASSION...
According to a new survey, these are the top 10 things you do that are "PASSION KILLERS" for your relationships. You guilty of any of these?

#10.) Disgusting bathroom habits, like leaving nail clippings on the floor, or a stained toilet bowl.

#9.) Bad fashion choices, and not regularly replacing your underwear with new, more attractive underwear.

#8.) Snoring.

See, 8 screws me...but if you balance it out with 9, we're good. You can deny the hotness of cassette tape boxers. (???)

#7.) Drinking too much alcohol.

#6.) Not bringing the romance anymore.

#5.) Too much time with in-laws or extended family. Especially having one of your parents move in with you. (yikes!)

#4.) Personal cleanliness and hygiene issues.

#3.) Long work hours.

#2.) Becoming too tight or too loose with money.

#1.) Gaining weight, and a lack of exercise.








WEALTHIEST HIP-HOP STARS...
Forbes.com has released a list of The Five Wealthiest Hip-Hop Artists...and DIDDY came out on top, with a fortune of $475 MILLION.

Obviously, Diddy didn't rake in $475 million in album sales. That total includes all income, which for Diddy includes his Sean Jean clothing line, his Bad Boy record label and his Ciroc vodka brand.

1.) Diddy, $475 million
2.) Jay-Z, $450 million
3.) Dr. Dre, $125 million
4.) Birdman, $100 million...why? In addition to being a rapper, he's the founder of Cash Money records, which represents Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj and Drake....and formerly Juvenile, right?! "Cash Money Records takin' over for the 9-9 and the 2000"
5.) 50 Cent, $100 million

Forbes.com says RUSSELL SIMMONS would've made this list...but they wanted to keep it exclusive to performers. They also kept the list short, because of the lack of information available on those who made less than $100 million.







EMINEM GOES DIAMOND...
The Recording Industry Association of America has certified EMINEM'S 2002 album "The Eminem Show" Diamond...or 10-times Platinum...which means that it's sold 10 MILLION copies.

This is the album that has his smashes "Sing for the Moment", "Superman", "Without Me" and "Cleanin' Out My Closet".

Eminem's "The Marshall Mathers LP", which came out in 2000, has also sold over 10 million copies, but it has yet to officially get the Diamond distinction.

This is only the THIRD rap album to be certified Diamond. The other two are: The NOTORIOUS B.I.G.'s "Life After Death" and of all people, MC HAMMER'S "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em".







GO FOR THE ROMANCE THIS WEEKEND...
Ladies, if you're single and you're hoping to find Mr. Right this weekend, the website The Stir has a list of the best and worst professions to look for in a future husband. Here's their list.

We'll start with the BEST professions to look for in a husband:

#1.) An Engineer. He'll get paid well, and won't have to work as many hours as a doctor or a lawyer. And engineers are usually in pretty high demand.

#2.) A Teacher. He won't make much money, but he'll be good with kids, have decent hours, and get summers off.

#3.) A College Professor. He'll come with basically the same perks as a teacher, but with more money and usually more brains.

#4.) A Firefighter. Apparently the woman who wrote the article has a THING for firefighters. But with that said, a lot of firefighters make very decent money and get to retire early with a good pension.

#5.) A Plumber. According to PayScale.com, plumbers make between twenty and thirty dollars an hour. Plus, they can fix basically anything around the house. And you'll get to see his ass a lot.


Now, here are the WORST professions to look for in a future spouse:

#1.) An Accountant. They work long hours, can't take time off during certain months of the year, and there's a solid chance he'll end up hating his job...or already does.

#2.) A Psychiatrist. They tend to psychoanalyze EVERYONE, including their spouses and their kids. So every single day of your life will feel like therapy.

#3.) A Surgeon. Because of malpractice insurance and student loans, they don't make as much as you think they do. And they're constantly on call.

#4.) A Lawyer. The money is good, but lawyers are constantly working, and they're constantly stressed out...which will eventually make YOU stressed out.

#5.) A Professional Athlete. Again, the money is good...but if you've paid attention to any pro athlete scandal EVER, you know that he'll almost definitely cheat on you.









THE ANSWER IS NOT NO...IT'S YES!
There was a famous sociology study back in 1989. The researchers would approach a random college student of the opposite sex on the street and ask if they wanted to have a no-strings-attached one-night stand RIGHT NOW.

69% to 75% of the guys they approached said YES. As for the women, the number of them who took the guy up on the offer was...ZERO.

That study confirmed what pretty much everyone believed: Men love the idea of random, casual sex...but women aren't interested.

WELL...according to a new study out of the University of Michigan (I know, I know), that might not be true anymore. Researchers there found that sometimes women DO like casual sex just as much as men. But there are two rules women seem to follow.

#1.) They have to feel SAFE. So a random stranger approaching them on the street sets off an alarm...but if they met someone at a friend's party, they might not be as worried.

#2.) The guy has to be ATTRACTIVE. Turns out they're not interested in having one-night stands with rich guys...they want someone who's handsome and good in bed.

Terri Conley is a psychologist who led the study. She says that women are motivated by PLEASURE SEEKING when it comes to sex, just like men. So they're not averse to casual sex.

BUT, they're more worried about safety than men...and they're worried about being left UNSATISFIED. That's why they'll happily have a one-night stand, as long as they feel safe and believe the guy is going to be a PRO in bed.







NEW BSB AND NKOTB MUSIC?
The BACKSTREET BOYS and NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK are touring together...and now, they're taking their newfound man-love for each other to the next level.

They're doing a JOINT greatest hits album called "NKOTBSB". There will also be a few NEW songs, which they will do together...as one single boy band juggernaut.

One of those songs "Don't Turn Out the Lights" will be the first single.

The disc will feature five classic singles by each group. And they're letting FANS decide which tracks make the cut through an online poll at NKOTBSBvote.com. Voting is open from now through Thursday.

You can also pre-order the album through that site. If you do it by March 24th, they'll include your name somewhere in the album's packaging.

You'll also get an exclusive tour poster and photos, which the 11-year-old version of yourself would have considered TOOOOO COOL!)








HERO OF THE DAY: STICKING IT TO THE MAN
Here's our HERO OF THE DAY...a guy who got a little bit of revenge on the credit card companies for the rest of us.


His name is Thierry Cahez. He owns a pastry shop north of San Diego, and he's been battling with the credit card division of Chase bank over some charges and fees on his card...and because they wouldn't let him refinance.

So, he decided to get himself some revenge.

Thierry owed Chase $6,500. So he went to another bank and got it in PENNIES. 650,000 pennies to be exact.

Then he loaded them into his delivery truck and took them to his local Chase.
First they refused to take them because they weren't rolled. So...Thierry had them rolled. All 650,000 of them, in $1 rolls.

Then they told him his deposit was TOO BULKY. That many pennies weigh about 3,582 pounds, or close to TWO TONS. And that's not counting all the crates Thierry was using to transport them.

Finally, Chase caved...money is money, they couldn't refuse the payment...and sent Thierry and his pennies to another branch nearby that WOULD take his payment.









ANOTHER "AMERICAN PIE"...BACK TO THE ORIGINAL CAST THOUGH!
It looks like just about everybody from the original cast is coming back for the next "American Pie" movie. They're calling it "American Reunion", and JASON BIGGS, EUGENE LEVY and SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT have already signed on. (Even though Scott just entered some kind of treatment program.)

And deals are in the works for Thomas Ian Nicholas, Tara Reid, Mena Suvari, Chris Klein and Jennifer Coolidge...a.k.a. Stifler's Mom. (There's no word yet on Alyson Hannigan, Eddie Kaye Thomas or Natasha Lyonne.)








ROCKIN' THEM BEATS...
LUPE FIASCO's new disc "Lasers", featuring the song "The Show Goes On", sold 204,000 copies in its first week. Kicked Avril Lavigne's ass too!

1.) (NEW) "Lasers", Lupe Fiasco (204,000 copies)
2.) "21", Adele (133,000 copies)
3.) (NEW) Vol. 5 of the "Glee" soundtrack (90,000 copies)
4.) (NEW) "Goodbye Lullabye", Avril Lavigne (87,000 copies)







SCORE ONE FOR THE SINNERS...
"Details" magazine just posted an interview with JOE JONAS, in which he says nice things about girlfriend ASHLEY GREENE. But it turns out they were ALREADY BROKEN UP when it came out.

Their reps issued a joint statement yesterday saying, "We can confirm they have parted ways and have no further comment."

It's not clear exactly when they broke up, but they've been seen doing their thing separately for a few weeks now.

And on Tuesday night, Ashley was spotted at a club in New York City with JARED FOLLOWILL from KINGS OF LEON. Sources say they were, quote, "dancing and flirting."
(We heard recently that MILEY CYRUS was trying to mack on Jared. Glad he has more sense than that.)

A source says Jared did not break Ashley and Joe up...quote, "They were apart a lot working. It was never that serious. It was a fun, five-month relationship."

Another source adds, quote, "They just both agreed it was time to focus on themselves."

And in Ashley's case, she probably wanted to focus on herself HAVING SEX FOR A CHANGE!!!








CAUSE IM'MA ALLL NIGHTA...ER, ONE NIGHTA
A new survey tried to figure out exactly how much a woman has to go through before she finds TRUE LOVE. And here's what they found. Not to spoil the fun and excitement of your future. Just try to act surprised when all this happens...

The average woman KISSES 22 guys before she settles down with one for good.
She has an average of SIX one-night stands.
She has four long-term relationships.
She dumps five guys, whether they're in long-term relationships or just dating.
She gets dumped four times.
And she is cheated on FOUR TIMES.

As for how long it takes men to find true love, the survey didn't go as in-depth. They did say that the average guy will kiss 23 women, have 10 one-night stands, and have his heart broken six times before he finds The One.







STOLE YER POLE...
Last week, a 19-year-old woman from Palm City, Florida, whose name wasn't released, broke up with her boyfriend. She was living with him, so she decided to move out.

When she got home from work and started to pack up, she noticed one of her prized possessions was missing...her 15-foot HOME STRIPPER POLE.

The pole cost her $400. She says someone would've had to disassemble it to remove it. The police currently don't have any suspects.