LA LA LA LA LA!!! (Cobra Starship)

Here's a smattering of stuff...

I WANT SOMEONE TO USE THIS WEBSITE...FOR ME!
Farmville and catching up with old friends is great, but the true beauty of Facebook is stalking people.

That's what makes this new website so great. You can now acknowledge the Facebook profiles that are most useful to you for self-pleasuring purposes...at ThankYourWank.com.

And ThankYourWank keeps track of how many Wanks each person gets, so you can find out how many people are violating themselves to YOUR beach photos. It also lets you keep track of your favorite wanking sites with a personal 'To Do' list.

In case you're wondering, the top-ranked female Wank is currently Jennie June of Rome, Italy, who has been the inspiration for 1,407 instances of self-pleasure. (It'll be 1,408 after this next commercial break.)

The top-rated guy Wank is Simon Lomas of Manchester, England. He's sent ladies to the produce drawer an astounding 1,505 times.

The site has some other interesting features. If you're self-pleasuring to someone...and they're also using YOU for inspiration, the site will send you an Instant Alert for mutual wanks, so you two can get together.

You can also vote in Wank Offs between two celebrities, or two profiles. In recent Wank Offs, Jennifer Aniston beat Angelina Jolie, Katy Perry crushed Rihanna, and Megan Fox beat Scarlett Johansson.

SOUNDS GOOD, right?! SOMEONE go pleasure yourself to me. Too bad there isn't audio. Just turn on your radio...









HOW WOULD YOU GRADE *YOURSELF*?
We've got the results of an interesting new survey from the marketing agency Euro RSCG Worldwide. They asked Americans to give themselves letter grades on how they're handling different aspects of life. It's a letter grade. I'm gonna grade myself, you can too. The results are below.

HAPPINESS: I'd give myself a C. I'd say its average. Some days I hate life, some I love it.

ROMANCE: A-/B+ - got skills here, son!

CAREER SUCCESS: C- - working to turn it around though!

WEIGHT MANAGEMENT: D

FINANCES AND FINANCIAL SECURITY: ehh, B

PERSONALITY: Hello, I'm pretty awesome! A-

OK, the results:

Happiness. 61% of both men and women give themselves an A or a B...39% give themselves a C, a D, or an F.

Romance. 49% of men give themselves an A or B, and 51% give themselves a C, D, or F. 54% of women give themselves an A or B, and 46% said C, D, or F.

Career success. 55% of men went with A or B, and 45% went with C, D, or F. 48% of women said A or B, and 52% said C, D, or F.

Weight management. 54% of men said they should get an A or a B, and 46% said C, D, or F. For women, 39% said A or B, while 61% said C, D, or F.

Finances and financial security. 43% of men gave themselves an A or B, and 57% went with C, D, or F. 42% of women said A or B, and 58% said C, D, or F.

Personality. 74% of men say their personality is an A or a B, and 26% say C, D, or F. 79% of women give themselves an A or a B...21% said C, D, or F.









WEEZY SETS A RECORD...
Last month, "Watch the Throne"...the KANYE WEST / JAY-Z collaboration...sold 290,000 copies in its first week on iTunes. That broke the iTunes record for most album downloads in one week.

But that record was short-lived, because LIL WAYNE just broke it.

Wayne's "Tha Carter 4" was downloaded 300,000 times in the first four days it was available. Even more impressive: "Tha Carter 4" was not an iTunes exclusive like "Watch the Throne" was.

If you count both digital and CD sales, "Tha Carter 4" may have sold over 850,000 copies in its first week, which ended Sunday. The official numbers won't be released until tomorrow.









WHEN WERE YOU BORN?
This sounds like some mix of astrology, superstition, and an old wives' tale...but apparently there's actual data to back it up.

A new study out of England found that the MONTH when someone is born makes a big impact on their future career.

It's hard to figure out the science behind it...there are theories about things like the amount of sunlight pregnant women are exposed to, or the allergies children are more prone to in different seasons. But no one's really sure.

All they know is that data has shown people born in certain months end up in certain careers more often. Here are the findings...

JANUARY. Lots of doctors and debt collectors, fewer real estate agents.

FEBRUARY. Lots of artists and traffic cops, fewer physicists. Also, people born in February are most prone to narcolepsy. (???)

MARCH. Lots of pilots and musicians.

APRIL. The only career that's overrepresented in April over time is...dictators. People born in April are also more likely to have lower-than-average IQs, and more health problems.

MAY. Lots of politicians, fewer pro athletes.

JUNE. Lots of CEOs. Also high on Nobel Prize winners.

JULY. Lots of manual laborers and artists.

AUGUST. Lots of manual laborers and high-ranking politicians.

SEPTEMBER. Lots of people in academia and sports.

OCTOBER. Lots of politicians. People in October are also most likely to live the longest.

NOVEMBER. Lots of serial killers. Also, people born in November are most prone to bipolar disorder.

DECEMBER. Lots of dentists. Also lots of religious and secular MESSIAHS...everyone from JESUS...to STALIN and MAO.










FROM THE "DUH!!!!" FILE: TEENAGERS ARE EMBARASSED BY THEIR PARENTS
According to a new survey commissioned by Twentieth Century Fox, 88% of teenagers, admit they're EMBARRASSED by their parents.

The two main causes of embarrassment are when their parents DANCE over-enthusiastically at celebrations like weddings...and when their parents engage in public displays of affection. PDA!

72% of teenagers say they hold off on introducing a new boyfriend or girlfriend to their parents because they're afraid of being embarrassed.

What about adults?

60% say their parents tell them exaggerated stories about back when THEY were teenagers.

But how would you know?

And a quarter of parents admit their kids are RIGHT, they do exaggerate...26% have lied to their kids about how well they did in school, and 24% lie about having gone to a classic concert.









RUH ROH
A guy broke into Celine Dion's house, ate some pastries and ran himself a bath. It's OK though, Celine never called authorities. She began SINGING and the man fled the home.








MORE ON THE FIRING OF THE "MY CHEM" DRUMMER...
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE fired their touring drummer MICHAEL PEDICONE over the weekend for stealing from them. At the time, Michael admitted that he made a, quote, "error in judgment"...but he didn't get into the particulars.

Well, Michael offered a little insight into his motives yesterday. Basically, he says he didn't REALLY steal anything from the band...he was just trying to frame a member of the band's crew and get HIM fired.

He explains, "I ran into problems with a member of the band's crew who I'll not name. The problems were many, big and small, but some of them were large enough that they began to greatly impact me and, by extension, my family.

"I'd reached my wits' end, and I made what was certainly the poorest decision of my life. Rather than address the issues that I had with the crew member in an open and honest manner, I tried to make them look irresponsible.

"My intention was to make this person look incompetent...[I had] no intention of profiting [from the theft]."

This is just a guess, but maybe Michael took some equipment or something...and hid it...in an effort to make it appear that this crew member had neglected to bring it along.

Regardless, it's STUPID and we've heard nothing out of MCR or their camp on this latest development. However, they had said originally that it was the one and only time they would publicly address it.

They'll open for BLINK-182 at Blossom next Tuesday. TICKETS on The DeLuca Show all this week!








LIKE TO RIDE DIRTY?
There's nothing like some good dirty talk. As long as the other person doesn't get too technical, like, "Oh, that feels nice on my perineum." I mean, right? Anyway...

And it turns out, MOST of us have FILTHY MOUTHS when we're getting-it-on.

A new poll from the online adult toy shop Adam & Eve found that 80% of adults say they TALK DIRTY during relations. And that includes 12% who talk dirty EVERY SINGLE TIME they're having sex.

For just Adam & Eve's customers...who are obviously going to be a bit more sexually liberated than the average American...90% engage in dirty talk.