THE MUCH ANTICIPATED....UH YEAH...RETURN...

Q&A:
Q: ROB, WHAT THE EFF?!
A: 'scuse me?

Q: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
A: um, right here...why?

Q: CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T POSTED A BLOG!
A: I'm awa-...hey, that's not a question

Q: FOCUS!!!
A: also not a question. see, look how focused I am.

Q: ARRRRGH!!! WHY HAVEN'T YOU POSTED ONE?!
A: did you ever hear of people getting busy? living and enjoying life?

Q: SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO TYPE ONE?
A: no. I'm just asking if you've ever heard of those things.

Q: YES I HAVE.
A: ok good. just making sure. and that's not a question. :)








ZINGER: SHE'S ENGAGED
Last weekend, NICOLE SCHERZINGER'S father broke the news that his daughter is engaged. Her fiancée is British Formula One racecar driver Lewis Hamilton.

She's 33, he's 26. WOOOO, going for the older women, Mr. Hamilton? GET IT!!!!
They've been together for four years.

...BUT WAIT!!!!
Somehow the Internet got something wrong.

She's tweeted "I woke up this morning and read we were engaged! Sorry to disappoint you all but it's not true."


So there ya go.









...AND ON THE OPPOSITE END OF THE AGE SPECTRUM...
When "Cruel Intentions" came out in 1999 and made RYAN PHILLIPPE a male sex symbol, DEMI LOVATO was seven years old. Just to put it into perspective for you.

And now, Ryan and Demi are apparently hooking up.

He's 36, divorced, and has three kids. She's literally half his age, at 18. And, according to E! News, they've been seeing each other, quote, "casually" for the past few months.

Things got a little tough for them, though, when Ryan's ex-girlfriend, Alexis Knapp, gave birth to Ryan's new daughter two weeks ago.

And it also might've gotten tough when she asked him to buy Smirnoff Ice for her and her friends. ZING!

Even though Demi's only 18, she's well on her way through a TAYLOR SWIFT-style path of getting dumped by male celebrities. She's already been through Joe Jonas, Miley Cyrus' brother Trace, and of course Wilmer Valderrama (Fez).

Ryan's also been pretty good about fornicating his way through Hollywood. After Ryan impregnated Alexis, he went on to date the sexy AMANDA SEYFRIED. And, of course, he was married to REESE WITHERSPOON and has two kids with her.









THE FAIR IS THIS WEEK...
...down in Carroll County. This story doesn't come from there, but it certainly could.
David Warner collided with several cars last Wednesday night and ended up being charged with drunk driving. That wouldn't seem strange...except he was winning the county fair demolition derby at the time.

David won the small car division at the Jessamine County Fair in...Kentucky!! (But of course)

When he got out of his car to get his trophy, David appeared to stumble, and officials and spectators told police he seemed drunk.

David admitted he'd pounded several Bud Lights before the competition to loosen up, but he denies that he was drunk. His defense needs a little work, though. He told a local news reporter, "I had eight beers...That's it!"

Police tried to give David a sobriety test, but he wasn't cooperative. He refused a breathalyzer and said, "I ain't blowin' in that (bleeping) tube, so you can shove it up your (hind-quarters)."

David was arrested and charged with DUI.









PANTS ON FIRE!!!
Breaking News: ENRIQUE IGLESIAS says that when he was a teenager, he, quote, "couldn't get laid." More Breaking News! Enrique Iglesias is clearly a liar.

Yeah. Apparently his incredible good looks and super-famous father weren't enough to get girls to date him. He says, "I was the king of heartbroken as a teenager. I was never the heartbreaker. I just couldn't get laid.

"Years later, lots of the girls that rejected me came back just because I was famous. t is actually kind of sad. [But] girls don't necessarily want to marry a famous person...I think they like the thought of having fun with them."








THE JOISEY SHORE...
The state of New Jersey is celebrating a new nationwide poll, which reveals that America's impression of New Jersey is NOT taking a hit because of "Jersey Shore".

In fact, people who have seen "Jersey Shore' actually think of the state in a MORE favorable light than people who haven't seen the show.

The survey...conducted by New Jersey's Fairleigh Dickinson University...found that 43% of people who've seen "Jersey Shore" are down with New Jersey, while 41% of those who hadn't seen the show were cool with the Garden State.

Of course, this poll is also inadvertently revealing that the MAJORITY OF AMERICANS will NOT admit to having a favorable impression of New Jersey. (Not that that's surprising or anything.)

Of all the 711 respondents, 18% said that they have an "unfavorable" impression, while the rest...roughly 40%...didn't have any strong feelings on New Jersey, one-way or the other.

By the way, the report found a pro-New Jersey woman from Philadelphia named Michelle Diaz that was willing to go on the record.

She said, "A lot of people from other states think Jersey is trashy, but when you come here, it's a totally different scene. It's a really beautiful beach here. We love it here!" (And as far as we know, she wasn't paid to say that.)







SO FOXY...
You wanna know why "Playboy" is in trouble? Because they think FOXY BROWN nude photos are worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

OK, actually, I'd look at those pics! What was that one song she had, in like 97 or 98? I liked it. ...ok, so maybe there's your proof of how relevant she is, a radio guy can't even remember one of her hit songs. Anyway...

According to Foxy, "Playboy" has offered her $2 MILLION to pose for the magazine and be on their cover. And she says she's still debating the offer.

When it comes to nudity, believe it or not, Foxy says she's SHY and RESERVED. "I'm cut from a different cloth. I would never [even] moon someone. I was raised in a good family."

That's so America. Nudity is the ultimate taboo but nonstop violence is fine. Less guns, more boobs. You heard it here first. #RobbieMack2012

A spokeswoman from "Playboy" wouldn't confirm or deny whether they've really made the offer to Foxy.








FROM "ALWAYS ON TIME" TO "ALWAYS SERVING TIME"...
JA RULE is currently doing two years in prison on a weapons conviction. And yesterday, he got 28 months tacked on for tax evasion.

Ja Rule didn't file income tax returns from 2004 through 2008...and no, it's not because that was well after he was relevant and he wasn't making money. Apparently he was. And he avoided paying more than $1.1 MILLION in taxes.

Ja can serve the sentences concurrently, so he'll do the time for tax evasion at the same time as he's serving this weapons charge. He'll probably be out some time late next year.








IT ALL ADDS UP...
This isn't exactly a scientific study, but it's interesting. A Yahoo writer with four kids decided to calculate how much everyday purchases end up costing her over a year. Things like Taco Bell runs and vending machine snacks. Check it out...

Fast Food: A multipack of Taco Bell tacos or a whole bunch of chicken nuggets at McDonalds are supposed to feed five people on a budget.

They both cost about $20, and at twice a week over a year, that's $2,080. Which could buy a LOT of groceries.

Vending Machines: Kids love begging for that one dollar to grab a vending machine snack, or a soda at the checkout line.

But even if you only give in to one of them, at $1 a day, that's $365 a year. With more kids, it's probably more like $600 a year.

Beauty: Are you a mom who indulges herself now and then? No Botox or waxing, just getting your nails done regularly, and hitting a nice hair salon four or five times a year.

At $22 to $34 for the nails, and $150 for the salon, that's about $1,944 a year.

Dinner and Drinks: If you even HAVE time to go out with friends when you have kids, let's say you do it twice a month, and it costs you $100 each time. You're looking at $2,400 a year.









BLINK PLACES BLAME FOR HIATUS...
BLINK-182 announced that they were going on "indefinite hiatus" in 2005...and eventually reunited in 2009. Now, they're about to release their first album in EIGHT YEARS. The album, "Neighborhoods", comes out September 27th, just a few weeks after their BLOSSOM show with MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

In a British radio interview, guitarist TOM DELONGE blamed the four-year hiatus on RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE. Not the band...he meant it literally...Blink-182 was mad at a "machine."

Tom said, "The band got so big that The Machine running the band took over. We were burnt out, we needed a break, but The Machine won't let you do that. The band had stopped communicating because The Machine was so big."

He added that the band regrets the split, which he called "really stupid" because, "It's not like anybody had sex with each other's wives." That being said, he did admit that they "hated each other" at the time...possibly because of The Machine.








THE HEAT: SHOT OVER AN AIR CONDITIONER!
You don't need me to tell you, it was RIDICULOUSLY hot and disgusting this week! And it's causing people to LOSE THEIR MIIIIINDS!!!!

29-year-old Jimmy Parker was visiting a friend on the third floor of an apartment building in Chicago. The friend had a leaky AC unit in her window, and it dripped condensation all the time.

And if you've ever accidentally walked under one of those things, and been splashed by a big fat drop of dirty water that's been collecting on a nasty old AC window unit...yeah, it sucks. But deal with it and move on.

Unfortunately that's not what happened here. A little after midnight that same night, a woman came up to the building to get into her place, and got splashed by the water. But she thought Jimmy POURED it on her. So she called the cops.

She also called her brother, 28-year-old Charles Sims, who came over an hour later to rectify the situation. He confronted Jimmy...punched him...and when Jimmy fought back, Charles...shot him eight times with a nine-millimeter handgun.

He appeared in court on Monday on a charge of first-degree murder, and is being held without bond...all because of a dripping AC unit.







TOO HOT THIS WEEKEND? CATCH A FLICK...
2 new ones out. CAPTAIN AMERICA takes on FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. I don't think you need me to explain what FWB's is about, but here's what MILA KUNIS had to say about filming sex scenes with JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

"We had two weeks' worth of sex scenes to shoot. Justin would just wear a sock that covered his frontal parts, so yeah, I could pretty much see everything. And I had tiny nipple pasties and a little pasty on my hoo-ha.

"We couldn't have been more uncomfortable in the beginning, but by the fourteenth day, we'd just drop our robes, like, 'Hey, how's it goin'?'"







BRIT BREAKS WIND!
A former cop named Fernando Flores worked as BRITNEY SPEARS' bodyguard between February and July of last year. He just filed a lawsuit against her for sexual harassment.

I'm pretty sure any straight man in America would LOVE TO BE sexually assaulted by Ms. Spears. COME ON!

Anyway, the lawsuit features a whole list of CRAZY BRITNEY BEHAVIOR. And that's beyond the usual stuff you'd expect. Check out what Fernando is alleging...

#1.) BAD HYGEINE. Britney regularly BREAKS WIND and PICKS HER NOSE, quote, "unapologetically." She also doesn't shower for days, never brushes her teeth, and rarely wears deodorant.

#2.) ALL KINDS OF DRUGS. He says Britney would take Ritalin...Narcone, which is used to treat heroin or morphine addictions...and METH.

#3.) CRAZY ACTIONS. Fernando says Britney would make her staff call her things like "Queen Bee" and, for some reason, "Jennifer." (???)

#4.) AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT. He says Britney made several unwanted sexual advances at him...and that she'd call him to her bedroom when she was naked and parade around in front of him.

OH THE HUMANITY IN THAT!!!!!! pffffffttttt........

He says he finally stormed out last July when she bent over in a short nightie to EXPOSE HERSELF to him. He's suing for $10 MILLION in damages.

AND HE'S SERIOUS ABOUT IT!!

Britney QUICKLY responded to this yesterday with one quick sentence. "He's a liar." Her lawyers have filed a motion to strike all of those allegations from the lawsuit because, they say, they're all blatantly false.

How about idiotic?






DOUCHIE COLLEGES!!
It's a little late for the college bound kids who just graduated, but just in time for the upcoming high school seniors applying to college: It's "GQ's" list of the "Douchiest Colleges in America."

Their methodology doesn't really hold up, but that's sort of fitting for the word 'douche.' Because these days, it's the kind of word that everybody's using on everyone else. Even douches. See what I mean? Anyway, here's the top ten.

#1.) Cornell...because it's cold, and they always have to remind you that they're in the Ivy League.

#2.) Penn State...because they're obsessed with their football team, and not much else. The stereotypical college 'douche' school.

#3.) Yale...because it's famous for being the fast-track to the highest levels of government power, etcetera.

#4.) Stanford...because the kids who go there are all rich, but pretend NOT to be, and they'll be richer than the rest of us when they graduate, by starting a successful tech company. Or something.

#5.) Pepperdine...it's full of rich, over-privileged girls with a sense of entitlement, who are simultaneously hardcore religious.

#6.) Brigham Young...because of the Mormon connection.

#7.) Bennington...because it's super expensive, and the kids are all overly serious.

#8.) University of Delaware...because of its fratty, "Jersey Shore"-like vibe.

#9.) MIT...because they're really nerdy? Again, this list doesn't make a ton of sense.

#10.) University of Florida...because it's full of buff dudes with tans, tattoos, and ink.





HORRIBLER EMPLOYEES!
A new survey by Captivate Office Pulse was supposed to tie in with that new movie "Horrible Bosses"...but it found that employees behave a lot worse.

The biggest complaint people had about their bosses was that they go out for lunch too much. That was listed by 56% of employees. 45% complained about work-time chats with family and friends, 42% mentioned planning parties and vacations during work hours. And 10% of bosses leave work early.

But while the boss is busy committing those relatively tame sins, employees are RUNNING AMOCK.

Employees are 50% more likely than their boss to take a smoke break during the day. They're 75% more likely to go for a mid-day stroll to get away from the office, and 53% more likely to leave the office to go shopping.

Even when they're at their desks, the employees are goofing off: Workers are 91% more likely than the boss to shop online during work hours, and 131% more likely to use Facebook and Twitter.

While 3% of bosses were caught by employees having sex in the office, employees are 50% more likely than the boss to try sexual hijinx at work.










MTV VMA NOMS...
The "MTV Video Music Award" nominees were announced Wednesday night, and KATY PERRY led the way with nine nominations...including Video of the Year and Best Female Video. Her "Firework" video is up for those.

ADELE and KANYE WEST are next with seven apiece. BRUNO MARS was nominated for four "Moonman" trophies. LADY GAGA, BEYONCÉ, NICKI MINAJ and EMINEM all got three each.

This year's ceremony goes down on August 28th. Voting is open now at VMA.MTV.com. (MTV claims you can vote up "through the show," but you'd think they'd have to cut it off at SOME point, right?)

If you're really crazy about VMA voting, you can vote on your phone at m.MTV.com...and Verizon subscribers can vote on all categories by texting "VMA" to 66333. As usual, standard texting rates apply.

Here's a list of all the categories you care about:

Video of the Year:
Katy Perry, "Firework"
Adele, "Rolling in the Deep"
Beastie Boys, "Make Some Sense"
Bruno Mars, "Grenade"
Tyler, the Creator, "Yonkers"


Best Collaboration:
Katy Perry featuring Kanye West, "E.T."
Kanye West featuring Rihanna and Kid Cudi, "All of the Lights"
Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes, "Look At Me Now"
Nicki Minaj and Drake, "Moment 4 Life"
Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo, Nayer, and Afrojack, "Give Me Everything"



Best Female Video:
Katy Perry, "Firework"
Adele, "Rolling in the Deep"
Beyoncé, "Run the World (Girls)"
Lady Gaga, "Born This Way"
Nicki Minaj, "Super Bass"



Best Male Video:
Bruno Mars, "Grenade"
Cee Lo Green, "[Eff] You"
Eminem featuring Rihanna, "Love the Way You Lie"
Justin Bieber, "U Smile"
Kanye West featuring Rihanna and Kid Cudi, "All of the Lights"



Best New Artist:
Big Sean featuring Chris Brown, "My Last"
Foster the People, "Pumped Up Kicks"
Kreayshawn, "Gucci Gucci"
Tyler, the Creator, "Yonkers"
Wiz Khalifa, "Black and Yellow"


Best Pop Video:
Katy Perry, "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)"
Adele, "Rolling in the Deep"
Britney Spears, "Till the World Ends"
Bruno Mars, "Grenade"
Pitbull featuring Ne-Yo, Nayer, and Afrojack, "Give Me Something"


Best Hip-Hop Video:
Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes, "Look At Me Now"
Kanye West featuring Rihanna and Kid Cudi, "All of the Lights"
Lil Wayne, "6 Foot, 7 Foot"
Lupe Fiasco, "The Show Goes On"
Nicki Minaj, "Super Bass"



Best Rock Video:
Cage the Elephant, "Shake Me Down"
Foo Fighters, "Walk" (great song btw!!!)
Foster the People, "Pumped Up Kicks"
Mumford & Sons, "The Cave"
The Black Keys, "Howlin' for You"

You can browse the COMPLETE list of nominees...including the "professional categories" like Best Cinematography and Editing...at the MTV's VMA website.

IRONY AWARD:
MTV WINS!! for hosting a music video awards show on a channel that show...well, NO VIDEOS!